My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?