I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.