I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
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Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question