someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.