I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Wise advice
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.