me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.