The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.