Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”