*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Sheep
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.