Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
You Might Also Like
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
When you kidnap a writer.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.