Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
who did the taste test?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
✌🏽
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.