My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
they split up moments later
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral