Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.