Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”