Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
You Might Also Like
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr