My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
You Might Also Like
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
🤣
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.