The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
this chia pet tastes awful
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Pigeon open mic night.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]