this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
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The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.