I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You Might Also Like
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*bites zombie*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.