This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
be careful
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
From Facebook just now…
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Life is a suicide mission.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.