Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@briancthayer

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@DadandBuried

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

@ASoftstar

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

@xiumyeri

6. me as a lawyer

@QwertyJones3

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

@mytoecold

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

@Greg_1_Leg

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

@lunchbox_82

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.