be careful
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.