Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
meanwhile over on facebook
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
excuse me
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
love it when they get my name right
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus