I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”