The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book