Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
