Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
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I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard