Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia