I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Cannot stop laughing at this
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!