Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do