Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon