@DadandBuried You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
@mattgallo123 Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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@DadandBuried 
@ArrogantBB8 *hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
@Reverend_Scott Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
@TheNardvark There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
@MariyaAlexander Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
@justinmatic5000 The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
@SavageDabs69 I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
@TinaMav We are the people our parents warned us about.
@joejwest [tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
@Smooheed Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about