You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about