@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

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@DadandBuried

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

@ArrogantBB8

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

@TheNardvark

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@justinmatic5000

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

@SavageDabs69

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@TinaMav

We are the people our parents warned us about.

@joejwest

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

@Smooheed

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about