find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
What if the weather talks about us?
Lol.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.