My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards