“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”