I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
good work, detective
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
favorite tropes as memes
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I feel it
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Encore…
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost