covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*