Guilty! 🤪
You Might Also Like
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.