WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
You Might Also Like
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem