I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?