Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You Might Also Like
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
next level snooze
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
wtf is an acronym
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”