I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Rt to bother an English speaker
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right