Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Are you ok, human???
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
These work great until they don’t.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.