SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Modded the new Gran Turismo
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it