Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
even bears disappoint their mothers
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand