got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up