got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I’m confused about plants
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this![]()
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“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…