Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man