Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search