In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.