Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
oh you wanna fight?!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.