I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.