[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready