I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
dam girl
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.